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In a perfect world, we'd all be happy. Jennifer and BJ would be happy together, Hailey and Jacob would be happy together, and I would be happy with the one boy that everyone knows I should be with, Junior. And we'd all be one big happy family, spending our days at Jenn and BJ's apartment, drinking every night while watching movies, and just being happy couples, happy friends, loving each other and loving life.
Now lets bounce back into reality.
Yeah, that's what we do every day anyway, spending our days at Jenn and BJ's watching movies, drinking beers, and smoking the reefer. Unfortunately, Jenn and BJ... Hardly ever happy, there's more fighting than anything in their relationship. Hailey and Jacob? Oh god, they've been together two weeks and they fight all the time, and Hailey constantly tells me how she's going to end it, she just can't deal with him. Oh, and me and Junior? You could cut the tension between us with a knife.
I am not ABOUT to just settle for something less than what I want. Junior is a great guy, yes, but NOT the guy for me. So stop telling me I should be with him, about what a great person he is, about how he's so sweet, and would be the perfect boyfriend. Maybe, maybe not. I'm not about to put up with his shit though. I don't do the whole pill taking thing, and the fighting thing, and the fact that you could be going to jail. Maybe, if you were to have grown up in a different environment, and be a different person, maybe then it would work out. But you being the person you are, it would never work. But don't THINK I'm calling him a bad person, because I'm not. He's just not the guy for me.
Basically, I've been sucked into this black hole. I'm stuck where I am. I love my friends, but its the same thing every day. I don't deal well with monotony. I would give ANYTHING just to have one night with my best friends, with Hailey and Jenn. But I seem to be the only girl in our group that isn't stuck with an asshole boyfriend, who may be sweet at times, but when it comes to them doing things by themselves, the boys don't trust them. Or maybe its me they don't trust. That would make sense, considering I'm the single one, I'd be the one out LOOKING for guys. But I wouldn't. I HAVE a guy. In a way.
That's funny, because my guy, Nick, is basically like Derek. Personality wise and things he does. And I know thats why I'm so attracted to him, so sprung, and so likely to get hurt. And even though I know its bound to happen, I guess thats a risk I'm willing to take this time. Whats funny is, BJ insists on beating up Nick. Why? Who knows. Probably just because he isn't Junior. Or maybe because in the time that I've known BJ, he's NEVER seen me like a guy, be with a guy, be so incredibly sprung over one person. And he doesn't like it, I know he doesn't. Because out of Jenn's friends, I'm the only one with my head on straight, I'm the only one who doesn't care about stupid shit, who doesn't get caught up in little things. He told me this, and told me that's why I'm his favorite of all of Jenn's friends. I just don't give a fuck.
My one big problem with life right now though? I feel like I've given up. On everything. I don't have a job, I have no money, I have nothing going for me. So when I had the oppurtunity to leave, just up and leave and go where ever the hell I wanted. I was excited. And I gave it all up. Why? I thought about it too long. When I had the idea to do it, I should have just done it right then, not taken a second thought. Of course, when I say I have nothing going for me, I am slightly lying. Because I do have Nick. And thats the one thing that held me here in OK. Knowing that if I left then, there would never be another chance for me and him.
I feel like I'm just rambling, like none of this really even matters.
And I'm wasting time. I should be out looking for a job right now, possibly a new place to live, cheaper than this, and where I'm by myself. As much as I love Lynlee, and love living with her, I'd rather have my own place. Mainly because it would be easier for me, cheaper, smaller, and not so out of the way.
Maybe I'll ramble on some more later about my so-called life, but for now. I need to shower, go find a job, DO something about making things better.
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iiblackxroseii's journal
good
pissed off